Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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