i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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