okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
