Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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