Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
