His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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