I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
