She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
