you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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