even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
