Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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