Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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