I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
