i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
