apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
