The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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