final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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