On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
