i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
