All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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