He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
