Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
