I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize