I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
