Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
