Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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