forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
