you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
