You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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