I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am one with the molecules
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
