Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
