Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
