Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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