I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
