You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
