The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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