If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
