Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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