planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
