we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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