You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
