There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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