I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
