If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
