ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize
