My liver just broke up with me...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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