I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
