first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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