There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
