I wish my penis had an off switch
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
