Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
