Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
