do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
