There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
