just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
