so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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