You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
