I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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