I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Come see our sink grown plant.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
